There are many things I like about being single. Dating is not one of them.
On Thursday I had a blind date. ...with a gay man. And this fact still remains unbeknownst to said date. How is it that I've realized this truth and he still has not? Well, (a) I was a theatre major and have had romantic relationships with many a gay man; and (b) men don't reach their mid-forties having never been married for nothing. In fact, I've begun to assume anyone single and super-hot over the age of thirty is gay. This theory has only failed me once so far (and yes, it was with new-boyfriend...who is still sooo not-my-boyfriend). So although my date was lovely, polite, and extremely well-dressed (as most gay men are), I made a point of mentioning that I had to work over the weekend, which I assumed went a long way in implying that I was not interested.
...Apparently not.
On Friday, I received a text inviting me to some event at the convention center. And I never wrote back. Yes, I realize it was childish to ignore the text, but I was having a day where the emotional baggage quota was at an all-time high, so it was easier to ignore than either (1) tell the truth and worry about hurting someone's feelings, or (2) compile a creative-yet-suitable lie...I didn't have it in me.
Saturday, I receive a nasty-gram -- yes, a nasty-gram -- that stated as follows: "I assume since I never heard from you that you are not interested in getting together. Next time, a simple 'no thank you' will do." ...huh. A couple thoughts came to mind. The first of which, was "go fuck yourself." Yeah, it's immature, but my first reaction was to smack back twice as hard. I wanted to write, "I'm in the hospital" or "My father died." ...who the fuck do you think you are, assuming that I'm free and sitting around waiting for you to call? The second thought -- slightly more zen -- was, "I don't have to care." Not "I don't care." Because I'm a sensitive girl. I try to hide it and play tough, little-miss-independent, but I take events such as this very personally. I want to please; but I realized I had a choice. I could choose to feel responsible for this other individual's emotions, or I could choose to let it go.
This thought process may sounds quite elementary, but to me it was revolutionary. During this lifetime I have cared about pleasing my parents. My teachers. My friends, my roommates, my employer, my clients, my colleagues, and most recently my spouse. I've even worried about what my dog thought of me. I remember when I worked at the big evil law firm, there was a quick turnaround on a particular document production. For about a week I slept under my desk, returning home only to shower and change. One morning, I stepped out of the shower to find my four month old red bone coon hound lying on the bathroom floor, looking up at me with the saddest of eyes as only a hound-dog can do. To say I felt guilty was the understatement of the year.
In addition to the crazy-intense document review, I was scheduled to head up to NYC for more big law firm fun. It was not a trip to which I was looking forward, but it was important to my position and possible advancement with Dewey Cheetem. New associates did not say "no" to such opportunities. ...but I did. At that moment, seeing my rapidly growing puppy laying on the floor waiting for me because she missed me and this was the only moment in which she had the opportunity to be close to me, I snapped my priorities into place. I made the decision to skip NYC and put her first.
This weekend was a little more difficult because it was me I had to decide to place first. And rather than worry about pleasing another person or whether I live up to his predetermined expectations, for the first time in a long while -- possibly ever -- I said "no" to another in lieu of myself. I'd love to conclude "it was easy" -- but I can't. It was extremely hard and is still eating at me. I'm upset that I hurt someone's feelings (self-involved though he may be) and I'm upset that I did not live up to his needs. ...I'm proud of the decision...but I sure as hell hope this gets easier.
On Thursday I had a blind date. ...with a gay man. And this fact still remains unbeknownst to said date. How is it that I've realized this truth and he still has not? Well, (a) I was a theatre major and have had romantic relationships with many a gay man; and (b) men don't reach their mid-forties having never been married for nothing. In fact, I've begun to assume anyone single and super-hot over the age of thirty is gay. This theory has only failed me once so far (and yes, it was with new-boyfriend...who is still sooo not-my-boyfriend). So although my date was lovely, polite, and extremely well-dressed (as most gay men are), I made a point of mentioning that I had to work over the weekend, which I assumed went a long way in implying that I was not interested.
...Apparently not.
On Friday, I received a text inviting me to some event at the convention center. And I never wrote back. Yes, I realize it was childish to ignore the text, but I was having a day where the emotional baggage quota was at an all-time high, so it was easier to ignore than either (1) tell the truth and worry about hurting someone's feelings, or (2) compile a creative-yet-suitable lie...I didn't have it in me.
Saturday, I receive a nasty-gram -- yes, a nasty-gram -- that stated as follows: "I assume since I never heard from you that you are not interested in getting together. Next time, a simple 'no thank you' will do." ...huh. A couple thoughts came to mind. The first of which, was "go fuck yourself." Yeah, it's immature, but my first reaction was to smack back twice as hard. I wanted to write, "I'm in the hospital" or "My father died." ...who the fuck do you think you are, assuming that I'm free and sitting around waiting for you to call? The second thought -- slightly more zen -- was, "I don't have to care." Not "I don't care." Because I'm a sensitive girl. I try to hide it and play tough, little-miss-independent, but I take events such as this very personally. I want to please; but I realized I had a choice. I could choose to feel responsible for this other individual's emotions, or I could choose to let it go.
This thought process may sounds quite elementary, but to me it was revolutionary. During this lifetime I have cared about pleasing my parents. My teachers. My friends, my roommates, my employer, my clients, my colleagues, and most recently my spouse. I've even worried about what my dog thought of me. I remember when I worked at the big evil law firm, there was a quick turnaround on a particular document production. For about a week I slept under my desk, returning home only to shower and change. One morning, I stepped out of the shower to find my four month old red bone coon hound lying on the bathroom floor, looking up at me with the saddest of eyes as only a hound-dog can do. To say I felt guilty was the understatement of the year.
In addition to the crazy-intense document review, I was scheduled to head up to NYC for more big law firm fun. It was not a trip to which I was looking forward, but it was important to my position and possible advancement with Dewey Cheetem. New associates did not say "no" to such opportunities. ...but I did. At that moment, seeing my rapidly growing puppy laying on the floor waiting for me because she missed me and this was the only moment in which she had the opportunity to be close to me, I snapped my priorities into place. I made the decision to skip NYC and put her first.
This weekend was a little more difficult because it was me I had to decide to place first. And rather than worry about pleasing another person or whether I live up to his predetermined expectations, for the first time in a long while -- possibly ever -- I said "no" to another in lieu of myself. I'd love to conclude "it was easy" -- but I can't. It was extremely hard and is still eating at me. I'm upset that I hurt someone's feelings (self-involved though he may be) and I'm upset that I did not live up to his needs. ...I'm proud of the decision...but I sure as hell hope this gets easier.
I am very, very proud of you. In light of this post, that shouldn't matter! But it is true, just the same.
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