Nothing is more powerful than having someone you love deeply make you feel like a complete asshole. My ex-husband still has the power to do this. And while I realize that I allow him that power, it hurts nonetheless.
I'm not actually sure why I'm so upset. Today we had yet another discussion about the final separation of bank accounts, insurance, tax returns and settlement payments. Yesterday, there was some confusion about a withdrawal I made and I accepted the mistake -- and I profusely apologized. Lord knows a math whiz I am not, and when ex called to let me know I made an excessive withdrawal because I failed to calculate my share of our state income tax return ...well, I took that statement as gospel. But when I awoke as 3:42 AM running the calculations over in my head yet again, I knew I had gotten the number correct. This morning I whipped out the calculator, wrote an email about how I arrived at the number, and left a voicemail to boot.
The return phone call from my ex was full of overtones and meant to induce guilt. He would concede that my calculations were correct, but he wanted me to know that he had spent "thousands" on insurance since our separation -- and if I thought that was fair, I could go ahead and cut the check. And I assume another part of the overtone included the fact that he made more money than me, so an even split -- calculated along with the cost of carrying my ass on the auto and health insurance for a number of months -- was not his definition of "even."
This made me feel horrible. Selfish. It made me cry. But as my bff pointed out, it's not possible to rationalize with someone who is angry. Anger is a great debilitating power. And what I failed to consider immediately was that I had carried a lot, too. ...And a lot of what I carried was not tangible. I paid for our couples therapy for years. Five years to be exact. So while the ex was complaining about a couple hundred dollars a month for 9 months, I was carrying a couple hundred bucks a week for five years. And since I made about $40,000 less than him, I allowed myself to accumulate several thousand dollars worth of credit card debt. While we were married, I contributed a significantly larger percentage of my income towards our mortgage. I bought all the groceries. I cooked. I did the laundry. I cleaned the kitchen. I bathed the dog. And I did not point out all of these minor daily accomplishments. I simply did them. Because that's how you behave when you love someone with your entire being. You don't keep score.
So I guess that this overwhelming sadness I feel comes from the realization that: 1) he did keep score; and 2) despite my best efforts for so long, my contribution was not enough for him. And that translates to the fact that I am not enough. ...I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not generous enough. I'm not accomplished enough.... I am not good enough. This is an easy conclusion to reach when you deal with someone who knows which button to push -- and the "you're the one who gave up on us" button is the exact place to push if you would like to elicit a self-loathing reaction.
From a rational perspective, the leap from "he's angry" to "I'm not good enough" is a big one. But I'll venture to guess that I'm not the only person to leap over the same gorge of self beratement. So what are these mind-games with myself all about? ...I don't have an answer. But I do know one thing -- I would never let a friend of mind speak this way to herself. And therefore the negative-self talk needs to end.
I'm not actually sure why I'm so upset. Today we had yet another discussion about the final separation of bank accounts, insurance, tax returns and settlement payments. Yesterday, there was some confusion about a withdrawal I made and I accepted the mistake -- and I profusely apologized. Lord knows a math whiz I am not, and when ex called to let me know I made an excessive withdrawal because I failed to calculate my share of our state income tax return ...well, I took that statement as gospel. But when I awoke as 3:42 AM running the calculations over in my head yet again, I knew I had gotten the number correct. This morning I whipped out the calculator, wrote an email about how I arrived at the number, and left a voicemail to boot.
The return phone call from my ex was full of overtones and meant to induce guilt. He would concede that my calculations were correct, but he wanted me to know that he had spent "thousands" on insurance since our separation -- and if I thought that was fair, I could go ahead and cut the check. And I assume another part of the overtone included the fact that he made more money than me, so an even split -- calculated along with the cost of carrying my ass on the auto and health insurance for a number of months -- was not his definition of "even."
This made me feel horrible. Selfish. It made me cry. But as my bff pointed out, it's not possible to rationalize with someone who is angry. Anger is a great debilitating power. And what I failed to consider immediately was that I had carried a lot, too. ...And a lot of what I carried was not tangible. I paid for our couples therapy for years. Five years to be exact. So while the ex was complaining about a couple hundred dollars a month for 9 months, I was carrying a couple hundred bucks a week for five years. And since I made about $40,000 less than him, I allowed myself to accumulate several thousand dollars worth of credit card debt. While we were married, I contributed a significantly larger percentage of my income towards our mortgage. I bought all the groceries. I cooked. I did the laundry. I cleaned the kitchen. I bathed the dog. And I did not point out all of these minor daily accomplishments. I simply did them. Because that's how you behave when you love someone with your entire being. You don't keep score.
So I guess that this overwhelming sadness I feel comes from the realization that: 1) he did keep score; and 2) despite my best efforts for so long, my contribution was not enough for him. And that translates to the fact that I am not enough. ...I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not generous enough. I'm not accomplished enough.... I am not good enough. This is an easy conclusion to reach when you deal with someone who knows which button to push -- and the "you're the one who gave up on us" button is the exact place to push if you would like to elicit a self-loathing reaction.
From a rational perspective, the leap from "he's angry" to "I'm not good enough" is a big one. But I'll venture to guess that I'm not the only person to leap over the same gorge of self beratement. So what are these mind-games with myself all about? ...I don't have an answer. But I do know one thing -- I would never let a friend of mind speak this way to herself. And therefore the negative-self talk needs to end.
Au contraire mon ami-- The sadness you feel comes from realizing that 1. You were WAY too hot for him to begin with, and you wasted time and money trying to get him to get over his own insecurities about it; 2. He is too dumb to get it and you thought he might actually, possibly be able to get it at one point; 3. He is always always going to be insecure and lonely, because if he couldn't get over it with someone as amazing and generous as you, it's just not gonna happen; 4. His inability to understand that pursuit of self- preservation does not equal "giving up", and 5. that it takes TWO to make a marriage work and he lost the best thing that will ever happen to him. He f'd up, not you. NOT YOU. You gotta know when to fold 'em, babe.
ReplyDeleteMy advice to you my love, is to find your angry place! He's messed up so much of what you thought wanted and had, you should be pissed! Pissed I say!! Granted your friend is right, you can't rationalize with someone who's angry, so now it's time to be that person back. Plus being angry, really f'in angry is just sort of one of those emotions you have to spend some time with before you get to the whole acceptance thing. If you need assistance finding your angry place I am excellent at helping my friends get there ... why? because it pisses me off to see my friends hurt by men who are wholly unworthy of their time and energy. BLERG!
ReplyDelete