A Resounding Yes

It’s ironic this situation landed in my lap as I was watching the The Makers on PBS.

So I am sitting here, watching the history of the feminist movement (which was going pretty well by all accounts until Phyllis Schlafly showed up…in my experience, nothing good has ever come out of Missouri), when my girlfriend texts me because the current guy she’s dating stood her up. He asked for a raincheck.  She’s pissed.  Feeling empowered by my current viewing, I am bold enough to suggest that maybe she should not grant his raincheck request.  “Tell him no,” I bravely suggest. 

She didn’t.  And in all honestly, until about a week ago, I would not have either.  But a shift has occurred.  …I’m not saying it won’t shift back at any moment…but as I sit here on the cusp of forty, I am empowered enough to say, “No thanks.”  Finally. 

I’ve read He’s Just Not That Into You.  And I get it.  I realize that inaction, whether something as asinine as forgetting a date or as mundane as not opening a door, screams volumes.  If he doesn’t call when he says he’s going to, it’s not an oversight.  We all know this – I personally know this because I accidentally call people from my purse all the time (please refer to the post Moneyball from March 2012).  Yet despite books, movies, what-not, we as women – and if I had to venture to guess, as people – refuse to see this simple truth.  Actions speak louder than words.  And whether or not words are actually involved… we know.  We know.  We know if a friend is upset, whether or not she says it.  We know when we didn’t get the job, even when they say, "we'll be in touch."  We know he’s not (ever, ever, ever) going to change despite his protests to the contrary.  Yet we suppress that “huh?” – that little voice at the base of our skull when someone’s actions do not match his words.  It’s as though we’ve fallen into the deep end of the pool and we have no perspective to judge what is happening above ground.  We suppress our intuition – which is unfortunate.  Because I’m discovering that following it could save us a lot of time.

We not only ignore that prickly instinct in our brain, but we refuse to advocate for ourselves.  We will stand up for a friend, a pet, the homeless man on the street…but why not ourselves?  What do we think we are going to lose?  An opportunity at a relationship?  Love?  A dream realized?  Intuitively – if we really listen – I think we know that opportunity is already dead.  …and if it’s not, would pulling over and asking, “what’s really going on here?” be the catalyst that killed it? 

Why don’t I advocate for me?  I didn’t until this simple realization came to me:  he can reject me whether or not I am silent.  I can advocate for myself or I can stand quietly in the corner and wait oh-so-patiently for his next move…but I can’t change the outcome.  If I’m about to be rejected, silence will only prolong the inevitable.  And if he does stay around…well…isn’t it kind of half-ass at best by this point? 

I’ll tell you one thing for damn sure – in love and in life, I deserve a resounding yes.   And listen up people – we all do. You, me – and yes, even Phyllis the hypocritical bitch -- deserve a resounding yes (if you don’t know feminist history, that won’t even be remotely funny, BTW).   If the king is naked, I deserve the opportunity to inquire as to why.   And to say it's unacceptable.

I'll still get dumped – but at least now it’s on my terms and my time.  And painful though that might be in the moment, it allows me to free up space for someone new and inevitably better to walk into the room.  

How do I know he’s coming?  Because I’m no longer willing to settle for less.